


midnight has nothing on me

by orphan_account



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Angst Like You Wouldn't Believe, Episode 11, M/M, So much angst, Spoilers, some vague mention of suicide but nothing more than that, tentative rinharu but nothing confirmed, this is literally just makoto stressing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-11
Updated: 2014-09-11
Packaged: 2018-02-16 23:20:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2288309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto stresses about what happened that night. Mostly he wishes that the one person who could calm him down wasn't the one that was making him cry right now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	midnight has nothing on me

**Author's Note:**

> spoilers for episode 11. i want to cuddle makoto right now so hard its not even funny--this quick drabble was sort of the product of that feeling.

He'd said he loved him.

Makoto Tachibana, residential coward, had told Haru that he loved him.

Granted, his name was mixed in with everyone else's. He'd said, "We love you," and not "I'm in love with you" like he'd planned so many times for so many different occasions. But he'd still said it. He'd still said it, and that had to count for something, right? All those exchanged glances, every time he practically read Haru's mind, every time he never once pushed or pulled, all of it meant nothing without proper communication. That's what romantic advice websites had always said, anyways.

So he'd said it.

And it was thrown back in his face.

Makoto wasn't sure if he'd ever felt more hurt than when Haru--Haru, his rock, the one person who had always stood by him no matter how cowardly or wishy-washy he could be--had insulted him. Every part of his personality, reduced to a busybody and a meddler.

It hurt.

A lot.

But not as much as the look on Haru's face when he'd told him he was going to Tokyo.

* * *

 

Much like Haru, Makoto had spent a good portion of the night simply curled up in his bed. The twins, for once, hadn't asked to sleep in his bed, and his parents had let him pass by with little more than a, "Sleep well, Makoto." It had helped, maybe, at the time. But right now he needed Haru, and that... That really wasn't an option. 

His stomach twisted just thinking about it. 

He couldn't have Haru right now. There was only one person in the world, he was sure, that could make him feel right again. One person that could make him feel like he wasn't a failure, one person that could restore faith in himself, tell him that he wasn't a coward, show him that he was fine just the way he was. 

And Haru was angrier with him than he ever had. 

 _Well_ , Makoto thought. _He had a right to be angry._

After all, Haru hadn't expected Makoto of all people to try talking to him about all of this. Whether either of them had acknowledged it or not, Haru had been depending on Makoto to give him support. There was so much pressure all around Haruka right now that it seemed impossible for him to breathe, let alone feel even remotely 'free'. To have Makoto there, silently supporting him in whatever decision he ended up with, that was what Haru had needed. 

And Makoto had completely blown it. 

Yet, no matter how many times he played that conversation over in his head, those hurtful words, he couldn't figure out what he'd done wrong. He hadn't been telling Haru to become a professional swimmer. That had never once come up--Haru had just assumed... Assumed that, since Makoto was talking to him at all about this, that he was telling him the same thing that Rin was, that Sousuke was, that Miss Ama-chan was... 

It hurt to think that Haru could think so low of him. Makoto couldn't help it--once that fully registered, he buried his face in his pillow and cried. 

God, it had been a long time since he'd cried without being able to call Haru over to make him feel normal again. He wondered if that would ever be an option again. 

A life without Haru... 

Makoto shook off the thought the second he had it. It was possible, maybe, but he needed to fix this, because a life without Haru was a life without happiness. It was a life full of fear with few bright spots. A life full of strangers he had to introduce himself to--a life where, no matter how many stray cats he could pet and feed and play with, he'd never be coming home to Haru and a cat of their own in a cozy two room apartment. 

And that was a life that wasn't worth living. 

And, that thought was the reason that Makoto had to shut it down. He'd heard of people running away or worse, ending it all, over things smaller than this. Part of him was worried for Haru, but... He trusted him. It was a base instinct, that they would go on living, even separately. Makoto didn't want to be the one to break that base instinct, so he pushed those thoughts away as sharply as he could. 

At three in the morning he realized he couldn't keep dwelling on it. He knew he wasn't going to get much sleep, anyways. 

So he picked up the phone and ignored his urge to call Haru--and ignored the pang in his chest, and the twitch in his thumbs as they ached to call that most frequently called contact--and instead selected Rin's name on the list. 

Outside of himself, there was only one person who could help Haru, probably. And that was Rin--Rin, who had gone through something similar last year. Rin who loved Haru. Maybe, probably, not necessarily in the same way that Makoto did. 

But, even if Rin was in love with him... Even if Rin was hoping to make a move on Haru sometime, Makoto knew he had to make peace with it. 

A life with Haru only ever as his best friend was the life he'd been living before all this. It would be better to have that back and only ever have it and have to watch Haru and Rin move in together, than live a life without Haru at all. 

So he called Rin. 

One tearful phonecall and a plane ticket later, Makoto wiped his eyes and rolled back over in bed. 

There was a picture of Haru and him on the nightstand, and for some reason he burst right back into tears. But that was the last face he saw before falling asleep, so maybe it was only fitting that he dreamed about Haru, Haru, always Haru and forever Haru, all throughout the night. 


End file.
